


Dear Marrish

by dcharmaine



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4466519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dcharmaine/pseuds/dcharmaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia Martin and Jordan Parrish have been broken up since he left her nearly a year ago. One day she receives a postcard from him, and decides to write him back. Although Lydia's still upset with him, she still loves him. Can they find their way back to one another and rekindle their relationship?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shouldn't Miss You

Jordan,

 

I swore to myself that I would never do this. I’d never reach out to you again, but then tonight I caught myself thinking of you. Again. Finally, I read your note on the postcard you sent and just for a second I almost smiled because you still care. “Everything’s great here. Hope you’re doing well.” You hope I’m doing well? Are you kidding me? There’s only one thing I’m writing you to say.

You left me. You left me and I can’t forgive you for that. I’ve tried so hard to forget what you did, how much it hurt, all the fun we used to have. Most importantly, I’ve tried to forget all about you. You had an amazing job offer, and I didn’t want to leave my life behind. So you had to leave, I get it. Really, I do. Maybe I would’ve done the same if the roles had been reversed. But Jordan, at least I would’ve said goodbye. What, you didn’t want to hurt me with a goodbye? Well, it hurt a lot more when you just left me without a word or a moment’s notice.

Remember the last thing I said to you before you left? I said that I loved you, and now I realize that’s never going to change. When I wake up in the morning, there you are on my bedside table because I can’t seem to get rid of your pictures. I go into the bathroom, reach for my toothbrush, and find that I’m grabbing at air where yours used to be. Do you remember the way I always forgot to take my towel with me, so you would bring it in while I showered? Your half of the closet hasn’t been touched since you left. Oh, and the kitchen table? Your place setting still sits there, emptier than ever because I refuse to let anybody else sit there as if you’re actually coming back home.

Do you want to know what makes me miss you most of all? At bedtime I wash all the dishes, lock up, and head upstairs. After showering and brushing my teeth for the last time, I climb into an empty bed. Your side has been empty for seven months. Every night when I look at the flat side of the bed my mind drifts off to the way you would get in beside me and we’d have some silly little debate. You always had to tickle me until I gave in and let you win. Let’s face it, you never would’ve won a debate against me any other way. Then, when I finally took your side you would stop tickling me so suddenly just so you could kiss my lips.

Do you miss it too, the way we were? Do you ever miss me at all? I know that I shouldn’t care, but I can’t help wondering.

 

~~Love,~~

~~Yours truly,~~

~~Sincerely,~~

Hope the job was worth it,

 

Lydia


	2. Can We Turn Back Time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jordan responds to Lydia's letter. Well, he tries to. He just can't find the right words so has to keep starting over. What will he finally say? Each strikethrough resembles a letter Jordan has thrown away.

~~Dear Lydia,~~

~~It has been such a long time since the last time I saw your face. I’m so sorry that I left you so suddenly. You didn’t deserve that, and honestly I don’t even have a good reason why. Why did I have to take a job on the other side of the country? Why couldn’t I wait? Why wouldn’t I say goodbye to the single most important person in my life? As much as I try to search for a valid answer I come up empty. I am so sorry.~~

~~I heard that you’ve gone on some dates since I left. As much as it kills me to say, I’m happy that you’re getting back out there.~~

~~-~~

~~Dear Lydia,~~

~~Sometimes I replay that moment over and over again in my head. I remember watching Letters To Juliet with you on the big screen in our bedroom. You were asleep on my chest long before the movie ended, but I stayed. When Charlie and Sophie made up on that balcony I was still there. The picture on the screen faded to black, and you shifted in your sleep as if right on cue. Lying there, knowing that I had to leave the moment you woke wasn’t easy, so I had to make a decision. I slipped away careful enough not to wake you, propped your head up on the nearest pillow, placed a gentle kiss on your forehead, and then I left.~~

~~Each time I reach the ending I cringe at my own actions and attempt to re-write history. Instead of sneaking away to my packed car, I woke you up. You groaned because time passed by way too fast and you didn’t want me to leave. You stood on your feet and you kissed me. We knew that if we didn’t cut the kiss short we just wouldn’t stop at all and I’d miss my flight, so you pulled away first. Hand in hand, we silently walked downstairs. We were finally standing at the front door, but I couldn’t bring myself to open it. I just stared it down until I heard your voice. “Jordan,” you started. “I love you. Be careful out there, okay?” I could hear your voice break and see your eyes tearing up. Then I kissed you, Lydia. I kissed you slowly and part of me hoped that I _would_ miss my flight because at least then I could stay with you a little longer. “I love you too, Lydia,” I responded after the kiss ended. Our goodbye kiss would’ve been the greatest because at least we would’ve known it wouldn’t be our last. The price I had to pay for my decision was you not being in my life anymore, and I’d take that back any day. So no, this job will never be worth losing you.~~

~~-~~

Hey Lydia,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I left you so soon. I’m sorry that I didn’t wake you. Sorry for sneaking away before you could say goodbye. I never really wanted to hurt you, so I’m also very sorry for making you feel this way.

The job is going great, thanks for asking! I’ve recently been promoted, so now I get to train more than I have to disarm. It isn’t necessarily safer, but I do like it much more. Given a second chance to re-do that day, I wouldn’t have left you without saying a proper goodbye. But Lydia? I’m glad that I did accept this job offer. I’m making a real difference here.

Tell our old friends I say hello. Or don’t. You really don’t have to, but I’m sure they miss me. I’ll get around to writing them as well, but I just wanted to let you know I’m glad you wrote me back. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again, not after the way we left off.

 

Well take care of yourself,

Jordan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that you'll be receiving part 3 this week (as originally planned). You get 2 since I failed to update last week. I'll try to make one or two updates per week until classes start back up. Hopefully I can have this story finished off by then :)
> 
> Btw: I'm pretty indecisive, so if you want part 3 sooner rather than later in the week just let me know. It's been written for a week now, I was just indecisive about editing this one.


	3. I Don't Want Your Apologies

I’m not even going to start off with an actual greeting this time.

 

Is that really the only thing you can say to me? Sorry is not the thing I wanted to hear, and you know that. Why do you have to make this so difficult, Jordan? If you didn’t want to have an actual conversation with me you shouldn’t have sent me so many postcards. Neither of us expected me to ever respond, but I _did_ respond. Somewhere deep down I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d get a real response out of you.

I don’t want to know how much you love your job. I don’t care about your promotion. However you choose to look at it, you’re still just a bomb tech. It’s still awfully dangerous for you to be out there. No matter how much I wish I wouldn’t, I do still worry about you. The simple truth about it is that nothing can ever change that. I will always worry about you. Your instincts tell you to protect others, but mine tell me you’re not actually worried about protecting yourself. My instincts tell me to protect you when yours are blinding you. How do you fight your instincts? I can’t protect you, so how do I tell my instincts to simmer down when I know you aren’t actually as safe as you want to believe? How do I tell myself to just stop worrying about you so much?

If you want me to acknowledge that you wish you had done things differently, I can’t do that. I won’t allow myself to think about that, the same way you won’t acknowledge that maybe I miss you more than our friends do. Maybe it’s better off that way. You don’t worry about my feelings and I don’t worry about yours. Just because it’s better, though, doesn’t mean that’s the way it should be. You should be home—with me. That’s the way I want it to be, Jordan. It’s the way I’ve always wanted it, but apparently you don’t. Maybe you never did. Maybe at some point you realized that I’m not actually the one for you, and that making a quick break for it was your only option. Or maybe the reason why I’m not the one for you is because you’re too wrapped up in the love you have for your job to even care at all.

 

Lydia.

 


	4. Be Happy.

Dear Lydia,

 

(Reading your letter was heartbreaking.) You know I hate it when you’re mad at me. We may be living on opposite sides of the country right now, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. But… I understand. I hurt you, and I can never take that back. If only you knew how much I really do miss you. If only you could see that you’re not the only one hurting. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it. The only way I know how to do that is to try to think positively about my time here. If only you knew how many times I re-wrote my previous letter. There’s nothing I can say or do to change what I’ve put us through—the way I made you feel.

I never meant to make you think that you’re alone in this—that somehow I don’t miss you. I do. I miss you more than anything, Lydia. You know, I have always loved you and this distance isn’t going to change that. If I could be here and there, I would. But I can’t. If I could just drop everything and come back home to you, I would. But I can’t do that either.

I can only hope that someday I’ll see you again. Whatever happens (or doesn’t) with us, I just want you to know that _you are_ the most important person in the world to me. Believe It or not, you’re the one keeping me safe over here. The thought of you is what keeps me sane. Even when we’re not partners anymore, you’re still the one I reach out to.

I hope that someday I can find some way to make things right between us. Maybe it wouldn’t get us back together, but at least I’d potentially be on the road to forgiveness. We were never a mistake, ~~Lyds~~ Lydia. Please remember that because there’s no way I’d ever believe it. The only thing I want is for you to be happy. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted. Chad said you’ve gone on some dates since I left. Whoever the lucky guy is, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you’re getting back out there. I wish it was me, of course, but _if you’re happy_ so am I.

 

~~Love~~

~~I’ll be thinking of you~~

~~Take care of yourself~~

~~See ya~~

~~I miss you~~

~~Sincerely~~

JORDAN


	5. And So We Fell Apart

Jordan,

You’re not even going to try to fight for me? Of course not literally, but… You hear I’ve been dating and you just have to be happy for me? Well, the “lucky” guys are not so lucky anymore. None of them lasted more than one date. I just wasn’t into it as much as they were. It’s all your fault. You have this hold on me that I can’t seem to shake. I’ve never been so vulnerable for anybody and I wish that would still be the case.

It isn’t likely that I’ll be forgiving you any time soon. Don’t get too hopeful, or you’ll be crushed—like I was when I woke up and you were gone. Seriously, we were together for five years. I would have stayed with you and supported you through whatever. Thick and thin, remember? That’s what we swore to each other. When you decided to go back to being a bomb technician I promised that I would stand by you so long as you stood by me.

Can you please just tell me what happened? What changed? Was I just not good enough anymore? I keep thinking about that day trying to pinpoint the exact moment you decided leaving without a word was the best option, but I come back completely empty. The only thing that makes sense is that maybe you grew tired of me. That’s why I don’t understand what happened. We were perfect. We were the couple everybody else looked up to. How did we go from flawless to nothing in just a couple of hours?

You say you love me and that you always will, but how am I supposed to know that for sure? You were so willing to just leave me. Not only did you consider it, but you went through with it. That will never sit right with me. Can I ever genuinely trust you again? Enough to forgive you? Can you tell me right now that writing you is not a waste of my time? Is it?


	6. Chapter 6

Lydia,

Yes, I am happy for you. Okay, I’m not happy that you’re dating. But if you’re happy about something—if something gives you even the slightest bit of joy, that’s what makes me happy. That’s why I won’t fight for you. If there’s a chance that you could be happy with somebody less complicated than I am, I want you to take it. I don’t want you to be bound to me if you don’t even believe you can trust me. You deserve to be happy with somebody who won’t let you down.

I tried to explain myself to you before, but I never thought you’d want to hear it. I figured you would just throw the letter out, so I did it for you. Are you sure you want to talk about this? Well, um… Here’s the thing, Lydia. I panicked. I couldn’t say goodbye to you. If I tried there was no way I’d want to leave. I panicked because I didn’t want to take the chance that I might see you cry. It would’ve been my fault because I was the one who took the job without talking to you about it first. We could’ve been forever, you know. We could have had forever if I wasn’t so selfish. I wanted you and the job, but I wasn’t as considerate as I should’ve been. Maybe I was just scared that while I was away you might decide you didn’t want to live this way—with me out there risking my life. I guess I’m not the hero I wanted to be. It’s just that I wanted to have it all, but that’s difficult when I pushed the love of my life away. I can’t get you back. I don’t deserve you.

I know that I didn’t treat you right when I left. Words cannot describe how guilty I feel or how much regret I have. I know that you’re hesitant to trust me now, but you can. We could be oceans apart—we could live on opposite sides of the world and I would still be here for you. No matter what. I remember promising you that we’d stick together through thick and thin. Sorry for not holding up my end of the bargain. We can’t go back, but we can start over with being friends. Well, we can if you want. We may not be the same as we used to be, but I’d like to try.

Hopefully,

Jordan


	7. Chapter 7

Friends? I—I don’t know about that. How about we just stick with being pen pals or acquaintances for now? I cannot promote you to friend after all we’ve been through together and the way we ended. Accepting this offer of friendship would just be saying that it never actually happened. Friends actually spend time together, and I don’t want to see you. It’ll be too hard. So acquaintances...

Remember when we re-united for the first time? Your mom was visiting mine, and she brought you along for the trip. You were—what, 15? Do you remember the last thing you said to me before the two of you left? You said that we would always be friends, and that nothing could ever come between us. _You_ said that. You haven’t done a very good job at proving your loyalty. Either you’re distant for long periods of time, or you’re leaving me again. We had a good run, Jordan. Let’s just leave our friendship in the past. I’d rather remember it for what it was, than to let our new reality interfere and ruin it.

You are a hero, Jordan. Maybe you aren’t mine anymore, but you are a hero. Look at all the lives you’ve saved. Can you honestly say that you don’t feel like a hero? Leave our relationship out of this and just look at what you’ve done out in the field. You’ve disarmed countless bombs, whether they were strapped to a person or not. To somebody… somewhere, you are. You should be proud. _I’m_ proud of you for doing this. (Although, not the way you did it. Okay, I’ve made this a point enough. If we’re ever going to be acquaintances, I shouldn’t bring it up so much. OR we never will be.)

 

Until next time,

Lydia

 

**_P.S. I’ll be away for a while. Vacation time. Take care of yourself, Jordan. I mean it._ **


	8. Chapter 8

                                                                                                                                                                                1

Jordan?

Jordan what’s going on? I’m still on vacation, but I just received a call. They said you were hurt. Didn’t I tell you to be careful? If you don’t answer your phone I’m coming out there. I know you’re going to say no. That’s why I’m not giving you enough time to say it yourself.

 

Too bad,

 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                                                                                                                                                                                2             

Jordan,

I’ve been calling you for two days. You haven’t picked up. As promised, I’m coming to visit you. I’ll be on the first flight I can get. See you tomorrow.

Just three weeks ago I swore I didn’t want to see you. I guess… I guess it wasn’t as accurate as I thought it was.

 

Thanks a lot,

Lydia

 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                                                                                                                                                                                3

Alright Jordan, I’m leaving now… Don’t make me regret this. Please… Don’t.

 

~~Scared and still in Love,~~

Lydia


	9. NOTE TO SELF

“Parrish. His name is Jordan Parrish,” I said for the fifth time to the same receptionist. She is really starting to annoy me. All I wanted was to see him and make sure he was okay. Jordan still wasn’t answering my calls, so I could only assume that they wouldn’t let him have his phone.

“Ah, here he is!” she sounded so sure. “Gordon Harris.” How? I don’t think my glare could’ve become any deadlier, so I just rested my head into my right hand.

“Excuse me, miss?” I felt someone touch my shoulder. He was slightly taller than I was, and his hair looked as it was fading to gray. “I couldn’t help overhearing your…struggle. You must be Lydia. Parrish’s girlfriend, right?” Well, at least somebody knows who I’m referring to. “ ** _Ex_** -girlfriend,” I nodded.

“Right,” he chuckled. “Listen, I’m Jimmy. I work with Parrish. Actually, I just came from seeing him. I can take you to him if you want. I mean,” he looked back at the desk attendant. “I don’t think you’re getting anywhere with her any time soon.” Obviously I accepted Jimmy’s kind offer, and he guided me to the nearest elevator. We walked to Jordan’s room in silence, and just before he left I smiled and said “thanks Jim.” Jimmy smiled, nodded, and continued to the exit.

“Jordan?” I slowly walked into the hospital room Jordan was staying in, afraid of the condition I might find him in. After taking a deep breath, I took another step and looked around the room. Why was it so dark? There wasn’t one light on. “Lydia? Is that you?” I heard him speak.

Could he see me? How could anybody see more than just shadowy figures in here? “Yeah. Yeah, it’s me.” I tried to make my way to him, but I couldn’t so I just stood in the doorway. “You can turn the light on, you know.” He laughed that same laugh I wished I wouldn’t miss. I _did_ miss it. It felt so much worse hearing his laugh in person than it did in my memories. You can’t just turn it off in person. I flipped the switch behind me and the room was finally bright. Maybe it was too bright. I walked over to Jordan, who I could now see across the room.

“I never thought I would see you again,” he watched me as I neared him. Was that amazement I saw on his face, or was it shock? “What are you doing here?” Ugh, did he really have to ask me that? I didn’t answer. “How was your vacation?” Vacation... Did he really just ask? “Well, I was enjoying the sun. Oh, and I was lounging around the beach when I got this really weird call. The voice on the other end notified me that you were in the hospital. Apparently I’m still your emergency contact.” I reached his bed and sat in the chair beside him.

“Sorry,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess I ruined _that_ for you too.” His gaze drifted from my eyes and landed on his hands, which were folded in front of him. “So are you gonna tell me what happened? There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with you,” I couldn’t understand why they would call me.

“Oh, right.” He let out a small chuckle and rubbed his chin. “Well, it’s—it’s silly…really.” I lifted my eyebrows at him. My flight was like 15 hours and his incident was _silly_. “Okay, okay. I know that look. Well, I was trying to put out a fire by myself.” Yup, that sounded like him. “Apparently I forgot to turn the stove off before I left out for work.” Well, that doesn’t sound like him at all. At least, it’s not the way I remember him. “When I got back home, the kitchen was filled with smoke and before I knew it, it was actually on fire. Everywhere. I found the fire extinguisher, but it wasn’t enough…” He looked back up at me. “I wasn’t hurt. I just inhaled too much smoke. They won’t let me leave or go back to work for a few days. So I guess I’m stuck here.”

“I don’t recall you ever being so careless,” I didn’t know whether to be upset or casual. I wanted to be upset, but it was just an accident. How could I be mad at him for that? I got up from the chair and sat at the edge of his bed. “Jordan?” He looked confused. “You really scared me. You have no idea how worried I’ve been.” I looked down at my hand and began rotating the ring on my index finger. It was a nice distraction until Jordan reached over and grabbed my hand. “I’m okay,” Jordan reassured me. I knew he was okay, but I just never thought I’d have to visit him in a hospital. He’s usually so careful and meticulous when he does anything. So this was weird for me.

“Hey,” he put his hand to my cheek, but removed it when I didn’t respond. “Lydia?” I didn’t know what was going on with me. A couple of weeks prior, would I have been behaving this way? “Are you feeling okay?” He tried to meet my gaze, but because of his position he appeared to just duck his head.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m just…tired.” There was no way I was looking at him. I couldn’t trust myself. Apparently he picked up on that because I heard him laugh. This only made me look at him again. Why would I do that? I knew the risk involved, but I did it anyway. ”There she is,” Jordan smiled. His eyes didn’t leave mine.

“Jordan will you promise me one thing?” I couldn’t look away. My eyes were trapped—locked onto his. “Anything,” he nodded without breaking eye contact. “Don’t scare me like that again. I couldn’t take it if you had actually been hurt.” It was true. I would hate it if Jordan had actually been hurt or injured. He nodded again, and I’m pretty sure I smiled ever so slightly.

The next thing I knew, my lips were on Jordan’s. I kissed him, not the other way around. My right hand ran through Jordan’s hair, while my left rested on his chest. When I finally realized what I was doing, I immediately stopped kissing him. All I could do was separate our lips, but my forehead was touching his. It felt just like old times, so I was highly shocked that I let myself be so vulnerable. How could I kiss him? Why didn’t I stop myself sooner?

Dearest Lydia, keep this note nearby. You have to remember what comes next. You got up, told Jordan to take care of himself, said goodbye, and left. Now you must remember to continue that pattern from now on. Kissing Jordan was a mistake. You will never kiss him again. You can’t. Be the strong woman I know you are. Be strong without him. You do not need Jordan Parrish. I promise these feelings will go away. I promise that brief affection will fade. Just stick to the plan. You’re almost home now. Five more hours and you’ll be there. Don’t forget.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Jordan,

 

I’m so sorry for kissing you and then running off. Well, I’m sorry for kissing you. I don’t know what came over me. Won’t happen again, promise. I’ll keep my distance.

 

 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Lydia

You can’t just kiss me like that and then say you’re sorry for kissing me **_months_** after the kiss actually happened. Please tell me… Is there hope? Before you say no, take a little while to think it over. I know I originally said that I want you to be with somebody new, but that was before the kiss. You were… invested in it—in us. You were passionate. It was as if I never left and we were still on the best of terms. Tell me there’s hope. Please.

Don’t tell me you kissed me because I was in the hospital and you thought you might lose me. Don’t tell me that there was nothing to it. Don’t tell me it was just a mistake. Don’t tell me you would never do it again. I know I’d be pushing my luck to ask you to admit it to me, but ask yourself. Do you still love me as much as you did when we were perfect? More?

 


	11. Chapter 11

I’m sorry Jordan, but it’s true. Kissing you _was_ a mistake. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I did. If I could go back in time I would change the events of that afternoon. But… I can’t. I wish I didn’t kiss you, and I wish I didn’t enjoy it. Perhaps then this letter would be easier for me to respond to. Perhaps then my previous letter would have been clearer to the both of us. Until I know exactly what I’m feeling I don’t know if this is a good idea… I don’t know if I should continue to write to you. Maybe I should just focus on me for a while and cut our social contact short. Maybe we’ll find our path to friendship someday, but as of now that cannot happen.

 

Hopefully you understand,

Lydia.


	12. Chapter 12

No, Lydia please. Okay before you cut me loose please just do me one favor. I’m coming home in a couple of weeks. I’d like to see you again. Just one last time is all I’m asking for. If after seeing me one more day you still want nothing to do with me I swear I’ll leave you alone forever. Just please give me one chance.

 

Jordan

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Alright, Jordan. Fine. I’ll give you one day, and this is under no circumstances a date.

 

Lydia


	13. Chapter 13

Jordan,

Didn’t I tell you it wasn’t a date? Why did you come to ~~our~~ my house last week? You took me by surprise. I could’ve just met up with you somewhere. Why did you just pull roses from behind your back? You knew I never expected that, so tell me something. Why did you have to smile down at me like that? How did you know that I’d smile back? Well, I always did when you looked like that. You were early. I didn’t expect you for another couple of weeks, and then you surprised me on my front porch. All I could think in that moment was “leave now and please don’t come back.” It wasn’t because I didn’t want you there, because I did. It was simply because I love you so much and I wasn’t prepared yet to see you there at my front door. My plan was to just sit there and pretend you meant nothing to me—pretend my heart wasn’t calling out for you. It was. It _is_. Do you get that? Honestly I have no idea what I want right now because one moment all I want is to pull you in close and never let you go, but the very next moment I can’t stand to think of you a second longer. It isn’t because I love you and need you by my side, but because I want to run and get you off my mind because I don’t know if I should let my head or my heart win this war. Confused? Let me explain.

You see, you were supposed to fail. I was supposed to be prepared to see you, rather than you surprise me at my door the same way you used to when we first got together. I wasn’t supposed to be speechless, but you were supposed to overthink and overanalyze everything because I was supposed to be hard on you. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t even pretend to be… Because that’s not who I am when I’m with you. Why couldn’t you just let me pretend to be? It was impossible to do when you just kept reminding me why I ever loved you. And why I guess I always will.

**_ When you want something, you fight for it until there’s nothing left. _ **

**_ Addicted to my smile. _ **

**_ There’s nothing you wouldn’t do just to make me laugh. To make me happy. _ **

**_ All you’ve ever wanted was to help others, and you still do. It’s part of who you are. _ **

Those are just some of the things I’ve always liked about you. And about us. Jordan, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that you have a way with me. You know how to pull me in when I don’t want to be drawn in. We’re like—we’re like strings on a guitar. You know? Individually, we sound beautiful. We can function on our own and it’s all great, but sometimes it may seem like there’s something missing. But when we’re together, when we’re _really_ together, it feels perfect and we can form a song so sweet... so amazing. It’s just… maybe I don’t want to play that song again. Maybe I’d rather listen from afar.

Maybe I’m afraid of letting you back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been somewhat of a filler. It was supposed to be more detail oriented than this, but I have no idea what to write. Chem is draining me of all my non-creative creativity. School's so gahhhhhhh. Hopefully I can write something better for Jordan's response. And more importantly, maybe I can do that soon. Or I'll just write a holiday edition.


	14. Chapter 14

Lydia, this morning when I landed back home it didn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like my home. You’re not here. I kept thinking about my trip, visiting you. There was nothing better. The look on your face when you first opened the door and saw me standing there was priceless. That’s why I came early. I wanted to know it wasn’t hopeless longing for something I never wanted to give up. When you let me inside and I saw you never changed a thing, that’s when I knew. Open your heart up to me once more and I promise we will make it. You say part of you wants me gone, but there’s too much for us to lose. I’m not asking you to pick your life and move here. Not this time. Babe, please… I want to come home. For good. Whatever it takes, I swear it’s yours.

 

_**Never letting you down again.** _


	15. Chapter 15

Despite the voice of reason in the back of her head, Lydia decided to let Jordan come back for good. It wasn’t ideal, the reason why she decided to let him stay, but it was something. She did want Jordan back and although originally she was against letting him back in, she knew with absolute certainty that she had to. This was too important and Lydia had been making herself nervous since she called Jordan with her decision. He was ecstatic, but still shocked. There was no scenario in Jordan’s mind where Lydia would actually agree to let him come back home.

Lydia waited for him at the airport. She had been pacing back and forth, biting down on the tip of her sky blue fingernail when she bumped into someone. “Sorry.” She looked up to find Sadie, Jordan’s sister-in-law, smiling gently at her. “What are you doing here?”

“Moral support?” Sadie shrugged. “Or I was just on my way home from Ohio, saw you pacing, and was just curious how much you’ve told him.” Lydia didn’t respond. “You have to tell him the truth, you know. One way or another he’s going to find out.”

“I know…” Lydia was trying to think. There wasn’t exactly a guidebook on how to handle these things. “It’s just complicated.”

“ _Un_ -complicate it.” Sadie sighed, staring straight ahead. She was tired of having to lie to her brother every time they spoke when in reality she had been keeping such a huge secret from him for Lydia’s sake. It was finally time for the truth to come out, and how he handled it was what both Lydia and Sadie were apprehensive about. “There he is. I can stay if you want, or I can go.”

“Go. If this goes badly I don’t want him to blame you.” Lydia crossed her arms. “Hurry before he sees you.”

“Fine, I’ll call you later then.” She hugged Lydia and then Sadie went her own way.

“Lydia, hey!” Jordan excitedly gripped Lydia into his arms, lifting her up as she could only hope she didn’t ruin anything by keeping such a condemning secret from him. All she knew was that he would certainly be angry with her and she could only hope nobody got the chance to tell him before she did. Lydia couldn’t open her mouth to speak. She was too afraid that she would just blurt it out in the middle of this crowded airport, and that was definitely not the way she wanted to tell him. Jordan set her down on her feet slowly, she took his hand, and they silently roamed toward the exit. Jordan knew something was wrong. He could just feel it. He didn’t know what was going on, but he knew from experience not to push her into talking about it too soon. It would only blow up in his face.

They were stuck at a red light for what seemed like forever when Lydia finally decided to give Jordan something real to discuss. She didn’t want to ask about his flight because she simply didn’t care. Small talk wouldn’t cut it. The only thing on her mind was whether or not Jordan would want to stay with her after Lydia finally said what was on her mind. “Jordan?” Lydia stared blankly up at the traffic lights and Jordan watched her, waiting for that expression to change. It didn’t, at least not at first. Lydia bit her lip, trying to figure out exactly how she wanted to approach her confession. “If you’re going to stay, I have a couple of conditions.”

Lydia wanted to wait for Jordan to acknowledge what she was saying before continuing. He didn’t, not the way she wanted. Jordan knew he had to make some changes and he was ready to accept whatever ultimatums Lydia proposed in order to make their new relationship work. At least he was hoping for a solid relationship, but even that hadn’t been established yet. Lydia needed to know he could handle the challenge first. He squeezed Lydia’s hand with a smile on his face. She wanted to smile back, but she felt too guilty about what she had done to smile at him as if nothing was wrong. Lydia couldn’t. It felt so fake.

“First off,” she released the breath she didn’t know she had been holding in. “If you must have a dangerous job, can you at least promise me no more bombs?” The light turned green and Lydia took off, making turns Jordan didn’t recognize.

“Where are we going?” Jordan gazed out his window trying to figure out if this was just a shortcut he didn’t remember. It definitely wasn’t the way home.

“And also, I need you to swear you won’t get mad just yet.” Lydia sped up slightly. She was growing more and more anxious, the closer they arrived to their destination. Her hands would have been shaking if not for the steering wheel.

Jordan thought he heard her wrong. What could she possibly have done for him to get upset? Nothing she had ever done, that he was aware of at the time, had ever been so wrong that he would get upset. He turned to face her and that was when he realized how wrong he must have been. Lydia’s hands gripped the steering wheel too tight, she had been tense since he first saw her in the airport, and he couldn’t explain it but her facial expression seemed a bit off. Lydia was taking small controlled breaths and she knew she couldn’t hold off much longer. Thankfully, they were almost there. “What did you do? Where are we going?”

Jordan grew nervous the longer Lydia remained silent. She glanced over at him and could tell how much it was getting to him. They were only a couple of minutes away from the truth. Lydia slowed the car down as she prepared to turn into a gated neighborhood just up the street. “We’re here… At a friend’s.” Lydia entered a code into the keypad, prompting the gate to open. She slowly drove straight, turning only to park in the driveway of Daniella’s brick house. “There’s someone I want you to meet before you decide if you really want to come home with me tonight. I need you to know the truth, but just keep an open mind?” It was more of Lydia asking if Jordan would try to be open than her suggesting it. Jordan nodded and then got out of the car. Lydia’s heart was pounding so hard she was almost certain he could hear. There was no turning back now. She stopped walking and stared at the door in front of them. Jordan slid his hand into Lydia’s. How bad could it be? She took a deep breath as she finally reached out and rang the doorbell. No answer. “Come on Dani,” Lydia whispered. “Not now.”

“Danny?” Jordan raised an eyebrow. Surely she wasn’t taking him to meet some guy. “Who’s that?”

Lydia pulled a reluctant Jordan around to the back of the house. They approached the French patio doors and Lydia stopped, her hand in the air above the door knob. _He left you,_ Lydia thought to herself. _You didn’t plan this._

Her hand finally touched the warm doorknob, twisting it, and walked inside. “Are you sure we should be…” Jordan’s voice was cut off by a sudden greeting from the brunette woman wiping her hands with a dish towel.

“You’re late,” Daniella eyed Lydia and Jordan’s intertwined hands. “Did you—“

“No.” Lydia forced out. “I’m about to.”

“I guess I’ll give you two a minute and I’ll be back.” Daniella nodded, obviously knowing something Jordan didn’t. He watched her turn her back to them and then Lydia faced him.

“Okay, here we go.” Lydia’s grip on Jordan’s hand was getting tighter. She was scared instead of her pushing him away this time that he would be the one pushing her away. “I know I’ve been leading you to believe I’ve hated you all this time. I know it was wrong and I did kind of resent you. A lot. But that’s not the whole truth, Jordan…”

“Wait, why are we doing this here?” His eyes focused on hers. Jordan still didn’t understand. Why was she so nervous?

“We’re getting to that.” Lydia shook her hesitance away. She couldn’t keep misleading him. “Do you remember that time I fainted before you left?” Jordan knew precisely what she was referring to. He remembered being terrified when she didn’t wake up. When Jordan rushed her to the doctor they couldn’t find anything apparently wrong with her. “We all assumed it was stress and that I would just get over it in a couple of hours. And I did, eventually. At least that’s what I thought.” Lydia stopped. “And do you remember that flu I had that didn’t seem to want to go away?”

“Are you trying to tell me you’re sick?” Jordan’s eyes burned into Lydia’s.

“No,” Lydia shook her head and groaned. “This is too hard. Okay…” She hid her face in her hands when she heard Daniella approaching again. “Wait, Dani! Not yet!” Too late. Lydia turned around to find Daniella holding s small child. A girl. She grinned as she tugged at Daniella’s hair.

“Oh wow,” Jordan smiled and approached Daniella and the smiling baby. “Your daughter has a very pretty smile. What’s her name?” He reached out to grab the tiny hand before him.

“Alexandra,” Lydia was next to him. Jordan stopped and let go of the child’s hand. “Your daughter’s name is Alexandra. She likes to be called ‘Alexa’ though.”

 “What?” He chuckled. It was obviously a joke and Jordan didn’t understand the punchline. He didn’t have any kids. He would’ve known.

“Jordan, I’m sorry I pushed you away after you left. This is why. I didn’t want you to know that I was carrying your child just to have you come back and worry about us. I couldn’t let you just give up your dream job for me or for the baby. I couldn’t take it if you decided you didn’t want to be part of her life anymore because your passion was telling you to be elsewhere. It’s not me I’m worried about. Not completely. It’s her. She’s our daughter, and it’s about time you finally know the truth. I considered telling you before, but I couldn’t.”

It’s true. What would she have said? ‘Dear Jordan, enjoy your new life! PS. your daughter was just born and she has your eyes.’ That’s not the way to announce it.

Jordan turned around looking at Alexa one last time. This time he inspected her features. If this really was his daughter she ought to have some sense of familiarity to him, right? His hesitation was fading. She had his green eyes and shoulder-length brown hair, but her smile was just as compelling as her mother’s. “So she’s…mine?” He couldn’t believe it. Alexa was so tiny and he couldn’t imagine ever having taken part in creating something so precious.

“Aren’t you mad?” Lydia didn’t see any signs of it. Shouldn’t he have put some distance between them by now? Stormed off? No, not Jordan.

“No,” Jordan let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding in. He was thrilled to be a father. It was just so sudden. “Don’t get me wrong, I wish you would’ve told me. But mad? Not really, no.”

“She’s going to need you if you stick around.” Lydia took Alexa from Daniella’s arms and thanked her, smiling down at the happy child. “If you don’t want to—“ She was going to say he could just walk away, that she wouldn’t force him to be part of his daughter’s life if his heart wasn’t in it.

“I want to.” Jordan cut her off. “I never thought I’d have kids, but I do want to be in Alexa’s life.” He never took his eyes off her. It felt like he missed so much in the year he was away.

“I’m relieved you want to be here for her, but honestly I’m scared you might leave again.” Lydia looked up at Jordan and could tell what he was thinking.

He’d already jumped on the ‘what if’ train. The constant thought running through his mind was: what if he hadn’t left? Would he and Lydia still be together? That’s a very obvious yes. They love each other and they never actually wanted to split up. If he hadn’t left would he be this shocked about being a father? Eh, probably not. Now that he knew, though, he didn’t plan on letting anything come in between him and his new family.

“Do you want to hold her?” Lydia smiled up at him.

Suddenly Jordan could feel his pulse growing faster. Accepting the fact that he was now a father was one thing, but holding his daughter for the first time? That was kind of scary to think about doing. “Yeah,” his eyes were wide and Lydia giggled to herself knowing just why he was suddenly so tense. She was the same way when Alexa was first born. “I’d love to!”

“Hey sweetheart,” his voice soft as she smiled up at him sleepily. Jordan took Alexa from Lydia’s arms, holding her in his own. Alexa’s eyes fell to the silver chain around her father’s neck, and took hold of his dog tags. For a moment his heart stopped. That was how he knew he wasn’t just dreaming. She was perfect. Jordan may not have been around her whole life, but he already loved her as if he hadn’t missed a second. “Never again.”

“What?” Lydia was confused.

“I won’t leave again.” Jordan hugged Alexa to his chest, and she rested her head on his shoulder. I won’t miss this—our family—again. Not for anything.”

“I’m going to hold you to that, you know.”

“Good,” Jordan squeezed Lydia’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of Dear Marrish. I may write an epilogue, fast forwarding a few years. I'm also considering writing a version focused around Alexa. Voice your opinion in the comments. Do I write one for Alexa? An epilogue? What do you guys want me to do?


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